Our time in Asia ended with me lying on a thin mattress in a small room in Bangkok, with my legs wrapped around a 60 year old Thai woman wearing a Cheetah print shirt, while Paul grunted in the room next door. No, we were not recreating scenes from the Hangover 2. Nor were we having a stereotypical time with elderly lady boys. We were instead having a Thai massage. We had no idea what to expect. Thai massage is not the relaxing, spa like experience one may imagine. The masseuse used her body to push, pull and stretch mine. For example, she sat on the floor, with her feet pressed into my upper, inner thigh and pulled my foot as she leaned back. She also pounded on the soles of my feet with her fists. When her feet and hands got a little too close to my crotch, I was in fits of giggles, because I am both ticklish and immature. Later, while I laid on my stomach, face pressed into a dirty pillow with an elephant embroidered on it, she knelt on the backs of my thighs, knees jabbing into my hamstrings, and used her elbows to work my back, while I gasped for air. Near the end, she stood on the backs of my legs and walked up and down. Now, she was not the petite Thai woman portrayed in tourism photos. She was a woman who clearly helped herself to second servings of mango sticky rice. Finally, she grasped my arms and jerked me backwards, into a swan pose, eliciting audible cracks from every bone in my back.
It’s kind of like going to a yoga class where the instructor manipulates your body into position and holds the poses for you. And then beats you. So, my thoughts on Thai massage? Was it relaxing? No. Uncomfortable? Absolutely. Beneficial? Not sure…. I am curious to have another one, and see if it’s a similar experience, or if this was a one time encounter with a sadistic masseuse.
Paul’s masseuse wasn’t quite so harsh. But, maybe that’s because she fancied him. After all, she did tell him to come back later at night to see her.
Bangkok is a place to shop. One can buy anything from H&M to Louboutains, from dildos to, ahem, nighttime companions. The outdoor night markets sell all sorts of erotic paraphernalia, including Cialis and Viagra.
After a full day of shopping, what better way to relax than with an uncomfortable, awkward massage at the hands of a crazed Thai lady?
Beer of choice: My Antonia (a collaboration between Birra del Borgo and Dogfish head). This was not a Thai beer, but after 3 months of drinking lager, we took advantage of Bangkok’s craft beer bars.